Best Part #112

Best Part #112.

Here’s to the Next One…

 

The sun has set on 2011, and it is time to move on to 2012, with all of its secrets, unknowns and uncertainties. My only resolution is to take the lessons of this past year on with me and use them to fine-tune my life, and move closer to becoming the person that I aspire to be.

2011 saw me hit the half-century mark. It also saw me hit the wall. I pushed too hard, and finally, my body pushed back–and sent me sprawling. I went from 100 kms an hour to 0 in very short order. There I was, off work, right in the thick of a busy fall with many committments and plans. I was suddenly at home, staring at a haggard face in the mirror, taking medications, and sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. Gradually, I got stronger. I wandered through woods on sunny mornings and read the afternoons away. I ate sparingly, but well. I committed to exercise and yoga. Then, I started writing seriously again. I played my piano and took on small projects around the house. (Ordering my surroundings has always equated with ordering my soul). I nurtured relationships. I sang the “Messiah.”

Here is the thing. It is not selfish or sinful to take care of yourself. In fact, it is paramount that you do that and make it your first priority. If you don’t, the day will come when everything unravels and you have to find the tattered ends of your life and start knitting it together again.

I have not knit my life back together quite the way it was before. There were patterns that needed to be eliminated, and I suspect that 2012 will show me a few more that I need to get rid of.  Yes, I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a teacher….the list goes on and on. But first and foremost, I am myself. I am not going to lose sight of that person again. And I am not going to be ashamed of giving myself the things that I need to be well and happy. My life is overflowing with blessing, and I was too busy and too tired and too overwhelmed to see any of it, let alone be grateful.

So here I am, rested, ten pounds lighter, feeling even ground beneath my feet, and some of the sag erased from my eyes. Back to work half-time next week. For now, that is what will be good for me. I don’t care one whit about what phase of the “Attendance Support Program” I am in. I’m stronger now, and have shifted more from “cower” to “power.” And I do not intend to lose any of the ground that I have gained. It’s mine.

2011 taught me more than any year of my adult life. I am thankful for those lessons. As difficult as they were, they have carried me to a new place–the brink of a new year, all those fresh pages–inspiring me instead of filling me with dread. How can I do this? What is wrong with me? Did I do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, forget something? I am not asking those questions any more. I can do this. Nothing is wrong with me. Yes, I make mistakes. Who doesn’t? But I do plenty of things right, too.

So, here’s to mistakes and lessons and moving on. Here’s to some serious self-nurturing, whatever it takes. WE’RE WORTH IT!